Beowulf or Whatever: Part 5

FLASHBACK: Beowulf helps out his cousins after they ascend to the throne, even after people are like “Maybe you should be King, you seem awesome.” He stands by them until both of them are killed, and only then does he take the throne. Because he’s loyal, okay? Very loyal.


Somehow, Beowulf meets the asshat who stole the goblet that started this whole “Dragon burning the countryside” thing. And he’s like “Son, you are going to take us to where you got that,” and then they get to the barrow with the Dragon in it, and Beowulf is like “Okay, I’m going to do this thing.”

Actually, Beowulf makes a huge speech about battles he’s been in, and, of course, recalls back to the whole fight with Grendle, and then tells his guys that he’s going to wear his armor this time, because this fight is sort of a big deal, and the Dragon and breathe fire, and they should just wait for him here.

Beowulf fights the dragon, and while it is a mighty battle it is not going well for Beowulf. His sword barely makes a dent in the scales. After seeing how poorly it goes for Beowulf, all of his men run away.

All except for a cool guy named Wiglaf who is like “Seriously dudes? After all Beowulf has done for you, you’re just going to run away when he needs us? LAME.”

At this point, Beowulf hits the Dragon so hard his sword breaks.

Then Wiglaf joins in the fight, but, out of respect for Beowulf, stays away from the head area of the Dragon and just stabs it in the gut. Because, honor? Then Beowulf draws a stabbing knife he happens to have on his person and. .  .stabs with it. He uses that stabbing knife for stabbing, which, I guess, is it’s intended purpose so, well done.

The he realizes that the wound he’s taken earlier is not looking good, and, in fact, he feels nauseous, so he sits down.

And Beowulf is like “Wiglaf, I’m going to die, but I’m not upset about it, because I was so awesome in life. However, I REALLY want to see the treasure here, so if you could run along and get some and bring it back, that would be the best.”

And Wiglaf is like “Okay,” and he goes and gathers up a bunch of treasure, armbands and gold stuff, and takes it back to Beowulf, hoping the old guy isn’t dead yet, and is like “Okay, well, here it is.”

And Beowulf is like “Sweet. It was worth it to see that treasure. Kid, you can have my stuff, because you have good parentage, and you’ve proved yourself.” And then Beowulf dies and Wiglaf is pretty sad about it, because he’s in a cave with a dead King AND a dead dragon.

Anyway, the guys who ran off earlier come back, and they are ashamed, because they suck, and Wiglaf lays into them telling them what dipshits they are for running off while their elderly king fought a fucking dragon, and now he’s dead, and there will likely be war, and don’t they feel the fool now. And they do.

Then they throw a big old funeral for Beowulf, and build a barrow for him that ships can see at sea, and people lament, because he was awesome.