Beowulf or Whatever: Part 3

It is, perhaps, best to think of Beowulf as the honeybadger. Does he give a fuck if the water is infested with demon reptiles? No he does not. He gives no fucks.  He just puts on his armor and goes down into the hole where Grendles mom is lurking. After about half a day of mucking around, she finds him and they fight. Beowulf finds a big sword in her den, so big that only he could hold it, and cuts her head off with it. Then he finds Grendles corpse and cuts that head off too. Beowulf is the kind of guy who sees a job through to the end.

Beowulf emerges from the underground watery lair with a head and a giant sword and his friends and the King are THRILLED. They bring the head back home along with the giant sword, which Beowulf gives to the king because it’s too huge to wield in battle, and also, god doesn’t want him to, and it’s made for giants, and it would look nice on the wall. Everyone agrees this is a nice gesture. Then the King gives some long-winded advice to Beowulf about how everyone gets old so plan ahead, okay? Then everyone goes to bed.

The next day Beowulf is like “I have to be going, King, but this was great, and if your sons ever want to visit us, we’ll show them a good time, because our people are friends.”

And the King is like “Seriously, could you BE any nicer?”

Then Beowulf leaves with his friends in a good mood.

When he gets back home, he meets with his King, the King of the Geats, his uncle, who is like “OMG Beowulf TELL US EVERYTHING because I have to admit, when you left, I was kind of unhappy because I thought that maybe the Sheildings should deal with their own fucking problems.”

And then Beowulf is like “This story is great, and I am going to tell it in a pretty gory way, but also a way in which is flattering to you, the King.”

And the King is like “Dude, you are THE BEST.”

And Beowulf is like “Also: Presents!”

After that, Beowulf lives a great life where he is The Best. An example of how he is the best might be that he never kills one of his friends while drunk. I’m not sure about this standard of being The Best, but there it is.

PART TWO

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