Opinions on Your Body, Now That You Are Pregnant

When you’re pregnant everyone has an opinion about what you should be doing with your body. During this special time, it’s really important that you listen to everyone and do everything they say because if you don’t, you are a bad person.

Remember that no advice is:

a. Made up

b. Irrelevant

c. Based on a half-remembered article that someone read ten years ago

Also, because you are pregnant, you are a lady, which means there is SO MUCH YOU DON’T KNOW and need someone to tell you all about. Don’t worry! (Because if you worry, your child will become a glue-sniffer) because I am here to tell you 10 important things you need to know.

Not pregnant? No problem. You can share these REALLY important opinions with the first woman you meet who is pregnant. Or who you think might be pregnant. Remember, she doesn’t know what she’s doing!


1. Don’t Fuck Cats: They will give you a disease that makes your baby into a cat-headed demi-god. No, that’s not cool.  I don’t care if it sounds awesome. Fuck you.

2. Stop Having Sex: The baby will see your husbands penis and will become a lesbian. You ARE A LESBIAN? How did you get pregnant? That’s impossible!  What’s happening? My brain is on fire!

3. Don’t Eat Peas: If you eat peas, the leprechauns will steal your baby.

4. My Aunt Was In Labor For Two Years! It’s true! Well, it wasn’t my aunt, but I heard about it, and this isn’t advice, but I thought you should know because it’s about someone you’ve never met!

5. Don’t Go To Parties: Because it’s time that you stop having friends, don’t you think?

6. Soak Your Belly In Buttermilk: It’s important for the skin to be supple for the C-Section.

7. Do Not Get A Midwife: They have become WAY to medicalized. Instead, find a Witch to reach up into your cooter. And not some new-age pagan lady. Fuck that. Find a Witch with green skin, and preferably, a house with chicken feet. She might eat your kid or whatever but you’ll have a great birth experience.

8. No Sandwiches: First off, they will make you fat, which of course is the number one thing you want to avoid and tops every other concern. Second, they are poison to a fetus. Don’t believe me? Well don’t fucking come crying to me when your stupid baby get’s leukemia.

9. Don’t Look Into A Mirror: Reflections will give the baby leukemia. Listen, the baby is REALLY susceptible to leukemia. You think I make the leukemia rules? I do not.

10. Do Not Get An Ultrasound: Ultrasounds are made of radiation and were developed by the Manhattan project. Now, you might think this would cause leukemia, but that’s because you have the tiny lady brain and why I’m here to advice you. Ultrasounds will give your baby mutant powers, and not the cool ones like the x-men have, but lame ones, like just being slimy all the time.

Of course, I have more advice to pour into your little lady brains, but I also know you can only take so much at one time. So just try to absorb these ten important points, and you might not kill your baby. Though remember, if your baby does die, it’s all your fault.

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