Photo by J.R. Blackwell

Dr. Mercury, what is your view of super villain team ups? Who would you team up with and why?

Little bird, little bird, I don’t do team ups. At least, not anymore.

When I was younger, in those lighter days of frivolity, when you could simply send amusing packages to the police commissioner to start off a fabulous adventure, it was a delight to team up with other villains.

January 12th, 1966: I was with a group of two villains who were taking on Captain Strong Senior. In the morning the Lizard Prince had sent a box of robotic geckos to the police commissioners office. It was a hint that we were going to rob the Reptile House of it’s most prized rare snakes. I had already kidnapped Captain Strong’s girlfriend, so that when he arrived to confront us, she was hung with a fraying rope by the ankle over a pit of poisonous snakes.

Her lovely little skirt flipped over her waist when I tied her upside-down, which was quite a delightful sight. Women used to have the most architectural underthings. Those were the bright days of primary colored glory.

Captain Strong used to dress in a red and gold wresting outfit which clung to every muscle. He was impossible to miss when he charged in. Mummy Man covered Captain Strong in his fibrous wrappings and the Lizard Prince commanded his army of snakes to attack and all in all, it was a fun little romp in the zoo. Captain Strong was able to fight off my villainous pals, but not before I escaped.

It ended with Captain Strong catching his beloved just before she was going to fall to a poisonous death. When I took off on my Zombie horse, I saw them kiss as the sun set over the duck pond. A perfect end to a beautiful day. And, best yet, I got a new pet snake!

It’s not the same anymore. Now other villains always let me down. They have no creativity, no spark. Murder and mayhem are all very nice indeed, but where is the style? I’m not interested in partnering with someone without style.

It’s not that I don’t get offers. I do. But how many times can you hear the “This time, no one will stop us!” speech before it grows tiresome? Give me my innocents, give me my hero’s, but leave the angsting, stye-less villains at home.

Now, little bird, lets see if we can get you to sing for me.

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