A few of you have asked why I don’t have any minions right now. The truth is, my heart was broken by a Robot.
Robots will be do-gooder hippies if you don’t help them out. I’m serious. Lots of people believe that on their own, Robots would attempt to destroy the human race and take over. This is a load of crap. Robots love nothing more than to be helpful. Even without the three laws or a morality coil or whatever all of them would be slaves to human masters running and jumping and playing fetch for the ridiculous whims of humanity.
Without a chip to help them smash and kill, your average robot is a helpful mass of electronics. So, when Dr. Lesson (who was living with me at the time) gave me a robot for my birthday, I asked that she come with an Evil chip, to free him of all that do-gooder nonsense. That’s how Smasher came into my employ.
Oh, the fun we had! Smasher had, as advertised, an arm that could turn into a giant hammer for smashing, but there was so much more to him. He also had laser eyes, a circular saw attachment, an empty cavity in his chest for storing people I had kidnapped and a stellar sense of humor. I used to take him clubbing in Havana and he would dance and laugh in that robotic tinny way, and I would ride through the streets on his shoulders, blasting music, the cool night air swirling around us.
He drank oil, I drank blood, and we would throw stones at the dolphins from the shore of my Island. I may have loved him.
Then I kidnapped Trevor Stevenson, the current beau of the Queen Heilo. Back in those days, Trevor had the kind of jawline you could slice cheese on, and a penchant for taking off his shirt. I can see why Heilo liked him. Of course, it’s one of my delights to take things that other people desire from them. So I took Trevor.
And what a delight he was, as he tried to unbolt himself from the inside of the gold cage. I loved to watch his muscles bulge and strain against his bonds. And of course, he always made me laugh with all the pronouncements against me.
“You monster! You’ll pay for this!”
He was fun.
Of course I expected Helio to show up. I counted on it. I would have been delighted to see her. I had been looking forward to exchanging blows with that vixen of the skies since I decided to kidnap her beau. Why else would I take Trevor? (Other than his glistening, sweaty chest and cheese slicing jawline, of course.)
But Helio was tricky. When she came, she put up the weakest fight I’ve ever seen, allowing herself to be captured. Then, when I had left Smasher to look after her, she fried his Evil chip with her Staff of Light, or whatever.
After his chip was fried, Smasher leapt into action, freeing Helio and Trevor, and even giving them both a lift away from my Island. I was so shocked, I didn’t even go after them. I just held on to that burnt little crisp of an Evil Chip, still smoking in my hands, and if I had tears to cry I think I would have shed them.
Now I hear that Heilo and Trevor live with Smasher now, and that he spends all day looking after their three disgustingly adorable children. Apparently he’s been renamed, because "Smasher" is too hard for their idiot offspring to say, so they call him Smooshie now.
He spends all day solving baby mysteries about how old man winters is haunting the arcade and helping kittens graduate from high school and changing diapers. He was once a robot god, free to throw around his might, to crush flesh and bone in his hands, and now he’s a nursemaid. It breaks my blackened heart.